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Opinion Israel-Gaza Conflicts End Up the Same Heres How This Could Be Different.

This becomes a loop, reinforcing both our strengths and our weaknesses. There’s a reason you or your partner is conflict avoidant and that reason deserves some empathy! Conflict avoiders have learned this way of being and there’s a basis or motive for these actions. For example, if your partner is the conflict avoider, it’s important to remember that they’re not avoiding you, they’re avoiding some scary idea they have of what speaking their truth will mean. They see some yucky consequence for sharing their true thoughts and feelings so be as patient and compassionate as possible. At its core, conflict avoidance is really people-pleasing, so it’s a form of codependency.

  • Shapiro helps trainees understand and operationalize specific principles for working with clients whose interpersonal survival strategies draw others into rescuing dynamics or power struggles.
  • Therapy and anxiety-management techniques might also help you cope during conflict.
  • For many people, the natural reaction is to avoid it or address it head-on without taking into consideration the other person or circumstances.

Plus, there’s no opportunity for anyone, yourself or the other person, to learn anything. One way to gradually overcome your fear of conflict is to face the situations that cause you anxiety. This process is known as exposure therapy and is usually carried out as part of a larger treatment program like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

Doing What’s Unnatural

I’ve always known my clients’ antagonism frightens me, but what I haven’t always been aware of is that my own antagonism frightens me even more. I’ve explored this in clinical supervision and individual therapy. In high-conflict moments in session, I intellectualize, repress how to deal with someone who avoids conflict my feelings, or become cloyingly empathetic. Assertiveness and anxiety management are complementary skills. As you become more assertive, you will likely feel less anxious about conflict. Similarly, as your anxiety decreases, you’ll find it easier to assert yourself.

How to NOT Be Conflict Avoidant

It is about ensuring the problem issues are dealt with so they don’t happen in future. Have concise points written down to get across to the other so you feel confident when addressing them. Clearly define what you would like to resolve rather than endlessly ruminating over them. Recently, a colleague told me a story about a therapist she’d known who’d tried gentle approaches with an antagonistic client, to no avail.

Be honest about the avoidant pattern, and get honest (but non-judgmental) about what is being avoided.

It is important to reach out to your doctor or a mental health professional for a diagnosis and treatment. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication have both been empirically shown effective in the treatment of social anxiety disorder (SAD). Your avoidance has not solved the problem of external conflict but rather created the issue of internal conflict. The double bind between external and internal conflict seems to promote an ineffective response to conflict. There are many reasons you may be engaging in conflict avoidant behavior in your relationship.

In this process, I’ve had amazing opportunities to learn about assertiveness and build these skills. Tending toward the aggressive response in conflicts can help you feel less vulnerable, but it doesn’t work very well in parking lot confrontations or in relationships. The problem is that you may be lowering yourself to the other person’s level and/or blowing away the other person.